Things Hogwarts Students Are Not Allowed To Do
by imSiriuslyLupin4you
Summary: A list of things Hogwarts Students are not allowed to do. no slash. These will include lists for James, Sirius, Snape, Remus, and if you give me a suggestion I'll try to do that one too.
1. James Potter

**Things Sirius Black and James Potter are not allowed to do. I own nothing. Most of the points I got off the internet.**

_**JAMES**_

_I am not allowed to sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to the Headmaster's office_

_I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore to show you the pointy hat trick_

_I am not allowed to give Sirius Black a flea collar_

_I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand_

_I am not allowed to give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they're real animals_

_I am not to refer to the Accio charm as "The Force"_

_I will not charm the suits of amour to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast_

_I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day"_

_I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways, not even on Halloween_

_It is a bad idea to tell McGonagall she takes himself to seriously_

_I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions_

_I will not ask Sirius if he's serious_

_I will not answer all of Remus' Questions with "Are you fucking Sirius"_

_I should refer to Professor Dumbledore as 'Professor', 'Headmaster' or 'Sir', not 'Dude', 'My Liege' or 'Tim the Enchanter'._

_I must not change all Sirius' robes green and silver._

_I must not Scream, "PINK PUPPIES"_ _at the top of my lungs at random moments, and stare at Sirius_

_I must not cut Sirius' hair_

_I will not attempt to throw sticks for Sirius_

_I will not charm the armor to sing loudly at ungodly hours_

_I must not ask Sirius if he thinks scars are sexy_

_I will not talk like Yoda_

_I must no sing the Santa Clause song every time Dumbledore enters a room_

_I must not buy Sirius a leash and ask if he wants his 'walkies'_

_I must not send Snape blood flavored lollypops._

_I will not buy Sirius a muzzle for his birthday_

_I will not circle 'Mother' and 'Fathers' day on Sirius' calendar_

_I am not a Pinball Wizard._

_I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"_

"_Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell_

_Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith"._

_Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corp._

_My name is not Captain Subtext_

_Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheromones", nor was it founded by Sirius' Family_

_I cannot Hadoken anything into oblivion_

_Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda._

_Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes._

_I will stop referring to Hufflepuff's as "cannon fodder"_

_I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class_

_Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists_

_I am not allowed to lock Sirius Black and Remus Lupin in a closet to see if gay sex will occur._

_A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars_

_I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos"_

_When being interrogated by a member of the staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce, "These are not the droids you are looking for"_

_I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition_

_Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus._

_I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts: A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins._

_I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing._

_I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks_

_I will not sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches._

_I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell_

_I will not yell "Believe it… or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches_

_Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit_

_Dumbledore is not Gandalf_

_I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy exams._

_I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles"_

_I am not allowed to reenact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in the charms corridor._

_I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes"_

_I will not organize a Hogwarts Fight Club._

_The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife_

_I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I have the power!"_

_I am not allowed to set up a first-year on a blind date with Moaning Myrtle._


	2. Sirius Black

**Chapter two is up! Yay!**

_**SIRIUS**_

_The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball_

_I am not allowed to joke about Remus' "time of the month"_

_I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is "Extra Herbology Work"_

_I will not use Peter's socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot_

_If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it_

_I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways_

_First years are not to be sent into the Forbidden Forest._

_I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning-Myrtle an eye-full"_

_I will not make, "OMGWTF" a spell_

_It is not necessary to yell, "BAMF!" every time I Apparate_

_I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor shall I insist that their colors indicate that they're "covered in bee's"_

_If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark on their arm, not even if they are in Slytherin_

_House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers_

_I will not start every potion's class by asking Slughorn if the potion is acceptable as a sexual lubricant_

_Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey"_

_I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet_

_"To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not a career choice_

_I will not tell the first years that Filch is the Voice of God_

_I am not allowed to steal James' glasses, and then ask Lily out._

_I must not turn Lily's hair blue and leave a note saying "Red's not your color, love James._

_I must not ask James if he's exited for hunting season._

_I must not put bows in James' hair_

_I am not allowed to sing the song 'Dirty little secret' and change the words to 'furry little secret' around Remus_

_When Remus is in the library I must not jump out from behind bookshelves, just to see him jump_

_I must not steal Peter's socks and threaten to feed them to the house elves._

_I will not give Peter dating tips._

_I will not tell James to give up on Lily_

_I will not convince the first years to build tree houses in the Whomping Willow_

_I must not pinch Peter's cheeks._

_I must not burn Peter's toast_

_I will not convince Peter that Snape secretly wants him_

_Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not._

_It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Remus Lupin "Once you go Black, you never go back."_

_The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason._

_I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha._

_I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is._

_I am not being repressed._

_I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty"._

_There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong._

_Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time._

_I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl._

_I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine"._

_There is no such thing as a were-thylacine._

_Tricking the schoolhouse elf into stripping does not mean they are now mine even if I yell "Pwned!"_

_I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life._

"_42″ is not the answer to every question to the O.W.L.'s_

_I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End"._

_I will not go to meals dressed as Choda Boy_

_I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor_

_It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the result would be._

_A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become._

_First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow._

_Novelty or holiday themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform._

_I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library_

_I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations_

_If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!" may be correct but it is not the manner in which one should answer_

_Ravenclaw's (and Remus) do not find a sign saying, "The library is closed for and indefinite time period" amusing in any sense_

_I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what happens_

_I will not douse James Potter's Invisibility Cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible wearing it and standing near the fire in the common room_

_My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such._

_There is no such thing as the Chamber of Double Secret Probation _

_I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps._

_I am not allowed to introduce myself to the first years as Tim the Enchanter_

_I will not try and start Naked Thursdays in the Common Room._

_I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways _

_The Ravenclaws are not "Mentals in training"._

_I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors._

_I will not attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class_

_I must not draw moustaches on the headmaster portraits_

_I will not flick things at Remus as he tries to study_

_There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder._

_I will not teach the first years to play "The Penis Game" in the Great Hall during dinner _

_I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue _

_I will not shriek whenever James enters a room_

_I will not ask any centaur about its mating habits._

_I will not start food fights in the Great Hall_

_I will not scare the Arithmancy students with Evens' Calculus book._

"_Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell_

_Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do the Time Warp will not earn me any house points_


	3. Severus Snape

**. Most of these are not mine. I only own 1, 2, 22 through 29. The rest are not mine, and neither is anything recognizable. **

1. I am not allowed to ask Remus Lupin if he wants to watch the full moon with me.

2. I am not allowed to ask Remus Lupin what he enjoys doing on full moons.

3. I may no use the words 'Pimp cane' in front of Lucious Malfoy.

4. Nor may I call him my 'Pimp'.

5. I may not sing the song 'Dirty Little Secrets' in front of the Marauders.

6. Nor may I change the words to 'Furry Little Secrets'.

7, Sirius Black does not want to get in touch with his 'feminine side'.

8. And does not appreciate it when I suggest he do so.

9. Pink hair does not look good on James Potter.

10. Remus Lupin does not need nor want a flea collar, and I should not offer him one.

11. …Even for free

12. I must not run through the hallways screaming, "The muggles are coming, the muggles are coming!" during class.

13. …Or before class.

14. Or after…

15. I must not put Hagrid's baby blast-ended skrewts in the Gryffindor's Quidditch robes.

16. I must not make fun of Filch for being a squib.

18. Telling first-years that they need to have the "witch-burning test" done to them upon entering Hogwarts is not funny.

19. I must not convince first-years that if you take Astronomy you will be abducted by aliens.

20. I must not dunk my owl's feet in ink and have it walk over parchment before selling it to students as a "cheat sheet" for Ancient Runes.

21 …Even though Crabbe and Goyle fall for it every time.

22. Remus Lupin does not want to crystal gaze with me.

23. Gryffindors do not enjoy watching the 'Mufasa's Death' scene from the muggle movie 'Lion King'

24. I may not sing 'Hungry Like the Wolf' in front of Remus Lupin.

25. In fact, I may not speak to Remus Lupin at all.

26. …Ever.

27. The Gryffindor Lion is not Aslan.

28. Nor is he Rumbleror.

29. Sirius Black does not know who Stubby Boardman is.

30. I may not test my potions or new spells on Peter Pettigrew.

31. I am not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

32. I am not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

33. I am not allowed to add "In accordance with the prophecy" to the end of answers I give to a question a professor asks me.

34. I May not call the Marauders immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.

35. I Must not taunt the First years any more.

36. I must never ask Prefects if they've been smoking crack.

37. Must not other students that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.

38. I am Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

39. I am not allowed to chew gum in class, unless I brought enough for everybody.

40. I am not allowed to chew gum in class even if I _did_ bring enough for everybody.

41. I Should not taunt members of the Marauders, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and Gryffindors.

42. Crucifying mice – bad idea.

43. I cannot arrest first years for breathing too loud.

44. I should not teach other students to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

45. I'm drunk" is a bad answer to any question asked by my teachers.

46. I should not threaten suicide with Fizzing Whizbees and Butterbeer.

47. My name is not a killing word.

48. I am not the Emperor of anything.

49. I must not dare Gryffinndors to eat bugs. They will always do it.

50. The proper response to a Professor is not "That's what you think".

51. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.


End file.
